FIRST TEN ZEN: “The Conjuring” (2013)
Last month, we discussed the importance of studying the first ten pages of successful (and unsuccessful) screenplays before starting a first draft of our own. (See FIRST TEN ZEN.) This is because many producers and executives will have made a decision about your script by the time they reach page ten, and if your script hasn't engaged them, inspired their imaginations, and made them see dollar signs lining their pockets, they're likely to stop reading and move onto the next script.
As an exercise, let's examine two different drafts of a blockbuster film and the cornerstone for a successful franchise of sequels and spinoffs to come, The Conjuring, written by Chad Hayes & Carey Hayes. I found one draft, undated, at ScriptSavant.com and another draft dated November 8, 2011.
Earlier (undated) draft:
In this draft, the script starts with a quoted scripture from The Bible's book of Ephesians and helps set the stage that good vs. evil is a prominent theme. But, as it's written, it's unclear if this is to be superimposed in the movie or if it's simply placed front and center to hype the reader for the spiritual battle to come. The words "The following is based on a true story…" are up next to emphasize the importance of the story and perhaps to add a chilling element that the writers hope will keep you up at night. Next, we FADE IN:, and the story begins.
We open on a scene from the 1800s, where we follow JUDSON SHERMAN (early 20s) and a ranch hand to a farmhouse where a baby's cries emit from within. The first page ends when Judson arrives at their destination. The baby's wailing ceases just before Judson enters to find a tragic murder scene that is only described through his horrified expression in the crackling firelight. As the last lines of action on the page, this device is effective in luring us to the next page to experience what Judson has just seen.
As Judson's journey into the farmhouse's living room continues on page two, our brave character nearly trips over a GREY CAT and happens upon some knitting needles and a puddle of blood on the wooden floor. The images are not explicit, nor do they need to be, in order for us to piece together a rough hypothesis about what has transpired in this living room: the baby was just murdered in a terrible way. But before Judson can even begin to analyze the crime scene, he sees his only suspect – a woman in a gray dress – zoom past the window outside. Judson chases after her, tracking her to a nearby barn, only to be ambushed by her inside. A shovel to his face results in a SMASH CUT TO BLACK:, to emphasize his "lights out" moment, as well as transition us into the next phase of the story.
At the bottom of page two, we FADE UP to the same Harrisville, Rhode Island farmhouse from the previous sequence; only the superimposed text shows us that it's now 1972. A wagon rolls up, but rather than a horse-drawn wagon led by ranchers, we're introduced to a family station wagon instead.
Page three introduces us to ROGER and CAROLYN PERRON (early 30s), their daughters ANDREA (7) and CINDY (15), and their black lab, SADIE. The rest of the page is reserved for family banter. As the family becomes acquainted with their new living situation, we become acquainted with them. The page ends as they enter the farmhouse.
The action continues on page four. We see that Roger and Carolyn are flirtatious in their marriage, and we can assume they're very much in love. This is important to establish early on, as the writers want us to care and root for this couple, but also, any changes in their dynamic can be a clue to inform us when something may be awry… But Sadie's reaction — her reluctance to enter the home — is an immediate clue that something isn't quite right; she has no intention of entering the Perron's new home. The rest of the page is devoted to exploring the farmhouse's interior, including a new sequence at the tail end of the page that takes place later that night.
On page five, Carolyn unpacks the kitchen, and Andrea takes her handmade bird feeder outside to hang it. Outside, Andrea hears voices calling her name, sparking her curiosity, and she spots the Grey Cat walking around. Andrea follows it at the bottom of the page, leading us to page six to see what will come of it — will the cat kill Andrea's curiosity?
Page six begins with Andrea following the Grey Cat around the corner of the house and finding… nothing. Sure, there's no scare — not for Andrea or us — but the vibe is there. On Andrea's confusion, we cut to the farmhouse interior, where Roger and Carolyn continue to flirt and get settled into their new home.
The horror element creeps back in on page seven. It is now nighttime, and Carolyn is just about finished packing up for the evening. She hears what sounds like footsteps on the ceiling, and she peeks out the window to investigate. Nothing seems out of the ordinary, except for Sadie, who paces restlessly in the yard below. Roger enters and offers to tether Sadie for the night so she won't run away.
The conversation continues briefly on page eight, and the lights flicker for good ghostly measure. We then dissolve to a new sequence, later in the night, when Carolyn wakes to the violent screams of what sounds like children. The noise urgently draws her to investigate alone. She steps out onto the back porch and determines the noises are coming from the woods. Roger joins her and playfully explains that what she hears is the sound of tree frogs mating.
Page nine continues the conversation as Carolyn explains her need to adjust to "country living," and then the couple returns to bed. Later, the farmhouse and its surrounding areas are silent. A dissolve to morning shows the Perrons continuing to unpack and discovering more of their new home's quirks. The toilet seems to malfunction, and Cindy reports an odor of death that haunted her through the night but disappeared in the morning. On that disturbing nugget, we ease into:
Page ten. Cindy's claim is dismissed by Carolyn, who then experiences unexplained phenomena of her own; some of her wax knickknacks have melted together for seemingly no reason. Andrea goes outside in search of Sadie, setting up a beat that will be both sad and horrifying when it appears later, and Roger enters the kitchen to see Carolyn's confusion with her knickknacks. And that's where our first ten page adventure ends.
So how did this draft's intro do? Well, by page ten, we discovered the tone immediately in the teaser with Judson, a character who will become important to the backstory but not necessarily the linear story moving forward, and we caught a glimpse of a tragic event that helped set the whole story in motion. We met the Perron family, who will be important characters, but perhaps, not the most important characters to the story… but is that enough? Spoiler alert: the heart of the Conjuring story comes from real-life married ghost hunters, Ed and Lorraine Warren, but they don't appear in this draft until the bottom of page eleven. This means that if one were to only read the first ten pages, they wouldn't have even gotten the chance to meet the script's protagonists or see them in action. Does that make the first ten pages of this draft bad? Definitely not. But was there a more effective way to set up the story/structure/script? Well, let's take a look at a later draft of The Conjuring and decide.
Later draft:
In a draft dated November 8, 2011, the Hayes Brothers begin their UNTITLED ED & LORRAINE WARREN DEMONOLOGIST PROJECT (aka THE CONJURING) with a much different approach. Missing are the scriptures and flashback to 1800s Rhode Island, in favor of some simple voiceovers over black. Immediately dropping into a conversation already in progress, we hear ED WARREN (30s) asking DEBBIE (early 20s) about the "activity" she's experienced. Debbie goes into detail about a doll she received as a birthday gift. We SMASH CUT TO: a 16mm film of the doll that we would all come to know and love as ANNABELLE. From there, we see Debbie and her friends, CAMILLA and RICK. At the bottom of page one, LORRAINE (30s) asks their traumatized interview subjects when they realized that their doll was associated with a spirit.
On page two, the interview continues. Debbie and her friends recall the haunting events that transpired. Though we don't "see" their encounters in the script, their verbal descriptions are chilling, and their reactions — and hesitation to react –– sets the tone and mood for the film right off the bat. Page two ends with the revelation of a physical attack in the form of scratches that left Rick bleeding. By the end of this page, we've gone from the appearance of a creepy doll to testimony of objects getting tossed around the apartment to confessions of a violent encounter. The dire situation intrigues us onto:
Page three. We finally "see" Ed and Lorraine Warren. They're described as a "good-looking" couple and "soulful." The pair discounts the possibility of a spirit named "Annabelle" possessing the doll and explains that the young adults are being terrorized instead by an inhuman spirit ("something demonic") that manipulates the doll. On that bombshell, the 16mm film ends. In that short sequence, we saw Ed and Lorraine's compassion for their interview subjects, but also their courage and expertise in supernatural matters. In just a few short pages, the Warrens have earned the trust of their companions (and our trust, through them).
As page four begins, we find ourselves in a lecture hall, where the 16mm film was just viewed by an audience of "captivated students." Ed elaborates on the case we just witnessed, informing the crowd that demonic spirits possess people, not objects. This knowledge will pay off later, but the information is expertly planted here within the first four pages, and to underline this, the lecture hall audience falls silent to really absorb what Ed has just told them. The hush is broken when a student asks for clarification on the Warrens' title — "Demonologist." Ed cracks a dad joke, though probably only half-jesting about some of the other names he and his wife have been called in the past by their critics. Ed Warren is a softie. We have seen that Ed, the demonologist, is focused, direct, and educated, but Ed, the man and husband, is easygoing and doesn't take himself too seriously. The page ends with Ed explaining that he and his wife "prefer to be known simply as… Ed and Lorraine Warren."
A text SCROLL OVER BLACK and CREDIT SEQUENCE fills the first half of page five. The text gives us a bit more of a background about the Warrens and their credentials, and the MONTAGE during the credit sequence contains real-life headlines, newspaper clippings and film depicting highlights of the Warrens' storied careers. The second half of page five is devoted to a familiar scene; text superimposed tells us that we are not in Harrisville, Rhode Island, in 1971, and as before, the Perron family station wagon rolls up to the two-story farmhouse we glimpsed in the previous draft of the script. The biggest difference here is that, in addition to ROGER (30s), CAROLYN (30s), ANDREA (18), CINDY (10), and SADIE, the writers have added NANCY (15), CHRISTINE (13), and APRIL (8) to the clan. The page ends as the family funnels out of the car and explores their new home.
Page six shares some familiar beats from the previous draft: Roger and Carolyn flirt, Sadie is hesitant to enter the farmhouse, boxes are everywhere, and their girls will be girls.
On the seventh page, the writers have shaken things up. Cindy takes her wind chime out to hang it, but now she encounters April, who found a weathered music box by the lake. Cindy is disinterested in the recovered trinket, but April is fascinated — until she thinks she sees someone reflected in the box's mirror. When she looks back, the person is gone. This feels more appropriate than the similar beat in the previous version (with the Grey Cat). The music box introduces us to an important object in the story, and the disappearing humanoid figure is left ambiguous for the character; it could have been a ghost, or it could have been April's imagination. An elusive cat just doesn't hold that kind of suspense, as many cat owners will tell you. Anyway, we move back inside to see Roger cleaning up after dinner while his daughters play a hide-and-seek type of game, setting up one of the film's greatest jump-scares to come.
The Perron girls play their game throughout page eight, showing us the game's rules and giving us a peek at some of the farmhouse's darkest, creepiest facets.
While playing the game, Nancy accidentally knocks a wall plank loose in the closet at the top of page nine. When Roger comes to investigate, he spots a descending staircase behind it and thinks they may have a hidden cellar below. By the end of the page, Roger is creeping down the musty staircase, and we're forced to flip the page to see what he's uncovered…
Roger's match burns out while exploring the cellar on page ten, and he resolves to explore it in-depth in the morning. Carolyn ponders why the room was boarded up. When Roger returns, he has some banter with Andrea, who was upset about their move to the farmhouse, but it looks like things will go back to normal for them soon. Aaaaaand… that's it for page ten.
To recap, this draft of The Conjuring's first ten pages introduced us to Annabelle (a foe who will come back to terrorize our protagonists later), set the tone with her creepy little introduction, and introduced us to her adversaries, the brave and capable demonologists, Ed and Lorraine Warren. We also met the Perron family and their farmhouse — which are important characters and locations to the story — and we witnessed character development that doubled as foreshadowing elements to be paid off (in terrifying ways) in the pages to come.
So which draft was more effective? My vote is for the latter draft. But I think the lesson here is that even in our own scripts — especially in our own scripts — we must analyze what works and what doesn't work, and we must always strive to correct it in the next draft. In situations where the first ten pages matter the most, not only should they be polished, but the content within must grab a hold of your reader's soul (no pun intended) and never let go. Good luck on your next draft!
